Practice Listening

Our theme this month is Deep Listening and my spiritual challenge to you is to practice your listening to others so that they feel seen and understood. Listening is a skill like any other. It can be learned, developed, practiced, and honed. It can also be lost. Like many skills, if you don’t use it you lose it. This month, practice your listening skills. At the end of the month see if you notice anything. Do you feel more settled and grounded? Do your conversations last longer? Do interactions with others seem more meaningful? Do you feel better able to remain in the present moment? 

According to the Center for Creative Leadership, “You may need to brush up on your active listening techniques if any of the following questions describe you.”

Do you sometimes:

• Have a hard time concentrating on what’s being said, especially when the person speaking is complaining, rambling, or gossiping?
• Find yourself planning what to say next, rather than thinking about what the speaker is saying?
• Dislike it when someone disagrees or questions your ideas or actions?
• Zone out when the speaker has a negative attitude?
• Give advice too soon and suggest solutions to problems before the other person has fully explained their perspective?
• Tell people not to feel the way they do?
• Talk significantly more than the other person talks?

If you struggle with some or all of these, there are some things you can practice to improve your listening. It’s generally accepted that active listening requires skills such as paying attention and being as fully present as possible, withholding judgment, and positive body language (eye contact, learning in, nodding, and smiling). Also important are the ability to notice non-verbal cues and communication. It helps to ask open ended questions to encourage further reflection and to reflect back what’s been said. Perhaps most important is the ability to listen to hear and understand rather than listen to formulate a response.  When listening, remain empathetic and withhold judgement and advice. As Parker Palmer says, “No teaching, no fixing, no setting each other straight.” It’s not our job to solve someone else’s problem, but it is our job to be there for them, listen to them deeply, and love and accept them.   

The books listed with this month’s resources are all great reads picking up tips on listening well, deeply, and empathetically.  Good luck!

Books about DEEP LISTENING

• You’re Not Listening by Kate Murphy
• Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories that Heal by Rachel Naomi Remen
• Active Listening by the Center for Creative Leadership
• A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life by Parker J. Palmer
• Listening Well: The Art of Empathetic Understanding by William R. Miller

DEEP LISTENING Questions to Ponder 

• What if prayer is really about listening until you hear a voice that says “You are beloved”?  
• Who listened to you when you most needed it?  Who first gave you the gift of deep listening? 
• Are you having trouble hearing beyond the voice of your wounds?  How have your wounds and losses altered the way you listen? 
• Have you ever heard the ocean or the woods or the sky speak? What did it say to you?
• If you could go back to a conversation and correct how you listened, what conversation would that be?

DEEP LISTENING Quotes

• “Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.” – Doug Larson 
• “Our listening creates sanctuary for the homeless parts within the other person.” – Rachel Naomi Remen
• “Speak as if God is listening. Listen as if God is speaking. Speak as if Spirit is speaking through you. Listen as if Spirit is listening through you.” – Alexandra Bell
• “The real ‘work’ of prayer is to become silent and listen to the voice that says good things about me,…and calls me beloved… To pray is to let that voice speak to the center of your being, to your guts, and let that voice resound in your whole being.” – Henri Nouwen
• “Listen with your eyes, as if the story you are hearing is happening right now. Listen without blinking, as if a move might frighten the truth away forever…Your whole life might depend on what you hear.” – Joyce Sutphen